Embracing Fear



I started taking a new medication this week. It is a drug with a horrendous history. Thalidomide. My specialist has been wanting me to try it for months and I have been weighing up the risks and generally been putting it off. The possible side effect that I fear the most is possible permanent damage to the nerves in feet and hands resulting in possible loss of feeling. However, the possible outcome of taking it is feeling much better and slowing down the disease, hystiocytosis. I took the med two nights ago and have had one migraine so far, but that doesn’t mean anything as I get chronic migraines.

Along with the new meds, I have been following my anti-inflammatory food plan, doing my yoga and meditating up to three times a day. I am enjoying the meditating. My favourite one is a buddhist poem that I listen to while sitting in my garden with my bare feet on the earth. This is a beautiful grounding exercise and I feel the benefits from it daily.

I also love textile art. On good days when I have the energy I enjoy tapestry weaving and I have just started embellishing them with healing crystals. The one below I made with natural fibres and amethyst crystals. Creativity is an important part of my healing. It allows my inner child to experiment, play and be free.20171021_191830-445282621.jpgMy healing involves a lot of different things. Medication is just a small but important part. I also take a variety of supplements and drink loads of water.

Reading and learning is also integral too. I borrow books from the local library weekly on healing, spirituality, creativity, and much more. I love my library. I also buy books regularly on kindle, and real ones. I’m currently reading ‘How to be Sick’ by Toni Bernhard. I have read it before but it did not impact me as much as it is this time. Perhaps I was not ready for some of the concepts spirituality then. It is written with a buddhist perspective which I am very drawn to. I am also listening to two online courses at the moment by Pema Chodron and Sarah Brach. What brilliant authors they all are. I am loving learning about Buddhism.

When I was in hospital a couple of months ago, I had a dream where I was visited by the Buddhist goddess Kuan Yin. She was so beautiful and just her mere presence changed my feelings. I was not coping well in hospital and was feeling worried, anxious, lost and afraid. The night before a PET scan I was anxious about, She gave me strength and love. Since then I have been learning as much as I can about this gracious goddess of mercy and compassion. I now have several statues of her and pray to her daily.IMG_20171022_131157_377

I am struggling with pain still. Most mornings are difficult, waking with severe pain in my hips, knees, ankles and ribs. I take strong pain meds immediately when waking and wait until they take effect before I can walk to the toilet with my husband’s help. He makes me a very welcomed cuppa tea and oatmeal for breakfast. I love him so much for this. He does not know the happiness it brings me every day. In fact although the pain is sometimes excruciating, that first cup of tea he brings me sustains and heals me every morning.

Relationships are hard when chronic illness, disability and pain are involved. I am so grateful for the love of my husband and family. This is where I draw much of my strength and perseverance.

This week I am going to my second art class at a local gallery/art centre. My class last week was wonderful and I enjoyed it greatly although it cost me in energy. It has taken me all weekend to recooperate. It was my first time doing and getting to a class by myself. I travelled on a community bus for people with disabilities and I went in my mobility scooter. I felt so independent but also terribly anxious. I wrote about it on instagram. The teacher and classmates were lovely and I was nervous as it was a general public class. I loved it. This week we will be working with textiles. I am so looking forward to it.

So I will continue to take my new meds and hope for the best, along with all my other healing activities.

Love and kindness, Ilsa20171015_140848251370384.jpg




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s